Expectations

           “Expectations lead to disappointment, so expect nothing and you will never be disappointed!”  An officer in the Air Force shared this wisdom with me in my early years of service.  This seemed like good advice at the time and I honestly tried to apply it.  The difficulty, at least for me, was that I did have high standards of the world around me and I felt that leaving expectations on the back burner was lowering my own standards in life.

        For example, I expected to be treated with equality and respect.  I expected to be compensated for my effort and work.  I expected to have a right to my own feelings, voice and body.  So I decided that I would rather be disappointed in life than disrespected.  And that was fine–until recently.

        I read an article about Gandhi.  A mother went in search of Gandhi’s wisdom for her son, who was diabetic and had a difficult time giving up sugar.  They sought the advice of this spiritual leader who her son admired.  When the arrived, they waited for several hours before they were invited in to see the great leader.  After the mother shared their dilemma, Gandhi looked at her and said softly, “Please come back in 30 days.”

        When 30 days passed, they returned to Gandhi’s home.  This time Gandhi addressed the young boy, “My son, you must stop eating sugar.”  The mother was furious.  She asked Gandhi, after all this time, why this was his only advice. 

        He replied, “Madam, I could not ask your son to do something that I myself could not do.  Only yesterday was I able to completely cut sugar out of my diet.”

        We cannot expect others to do things that we are unable to commit to for ourselves.  With this thought, I reflected on my list from my Air Force days.   Here is my short list  that contains the expectations that I from others, but had not quite mastered for myself…

        Treating Myself with Equality and Respect:  I spent years battling an eating disorder, regrouping from a torn childhood and trying to learn to take care of myself instead of self-destructing.  I could not expect others to treat me kindly when I was still learning these lessons myself.

        Compensation for Effort and Work:  Abundance Theory is that there is enough wealth for all of us.  I know I did not embrace this thought in my early 20’s, I instead embraced poverty mentality.  I have only learned, over the last decade, the art of giving and receiving with grace (and am still learning more each day.) 

        Rights to Feelings, Voice and Body:  It wasn’t until after the birth of my middle son, Zach, when I started listening to my inner voice and acknowledging my feelings.  In other words, I was in my mid-thirties when I started to “get real” with myself.  I could not expect others to allow me to be authentic, when I was afraid to be me.  I could not ask others to listen to my voice, when I did not know the sound of it.

        After reading Gandhi’s story, I realized that the challenge for many of us is not in the expectations we have of others, but instead it is with the expectations we have of ourselves.  We often do not meet our own criteria and then we spend our lives beating ourselves to bits because we do not measure up. 

        Switch your self-expectations to self-empowerment and treat yourself how you want others to treat you.  Take time this month to explore your own limiting beliefs when it comes to what you really expect from you!

Press Pause

Are you living a life pro-actively or reactively?  How would you know the difference?     

A reactive life is a life full of automatic responses, almost habit-behavior.  This is prevalent with couples who have been together for a long time; they squabble, finish each other’s sentences, and order one another’s meals.  They are embedded so deeply in a life that has routine predictability that they barely need to engage.  This is not a negative observation, simply an observation.     

We live reactively all the time.  As a parent, I hear myself reminding my children to use “an inside voice” so frequently that I often ask my husband to do the same.      We react when someone cuts us off in traffic.  We react when we wake up late in the morning.  Sometimes we react when a piece of chocolate cake is placed in front of us.     

Proactive living looks different.  There is a moment that exists before the response occurs in the life of someone who is proactive.  Proactive living is stopping long enough to think about our choices in every circumstance.     

For example, someone cuts you off in traffic.  You have a few options:

1.      You can yell.

2.      You can honk your horn.

3.      You can say a prayer for them.

4.      You can turn your radio up a notch.A proactive thinker stops long enough to discern the BEST choice.  Which option will be more aligned with their true character?  A proactive thinker pauses to look ahead and is able to ask a few empowering questions in that moment: 

• What will my response do for me or anyone else in the future?
• What will my response hinder?

 The challenge for each of us is that we are trying to become proactive in a reactive world.

One empowerment tool that I can share with you is called PRESS PAUSE.  Think of your remote control button.  PAUSE.

Simply PRESS PAUSE in every circumstance for the next week.  When you PRESS PAUSE, you slow the world down long enough to process the situation at hand.     

The process looks like this:

1.      Press Pause.

2.      What is going on right now?

3.      What are my options?

4.      Which choice will bring me closer to who I am?

5.      Which choice will lead me to my long-term goals?

6.      Which choice will bring me or others lasting peace?

With PRESS PAUSE, you take back your power.  Power over your life.  When you react, you give up your power to habits, which initially seems like a much easier existence.  But the truth is that a reactive life is usually more painful, explosive, and destructive.A proactive life is a life that is mindful.So, now that you have finished this article, you can PRESS PAUSE.  What are your choices?  Will applying what you have learned bring you closer to your long-term goals?

Reaching for God

Does your inner journey and your outer journey match.  I believe the aim, as we navigate through life is to align our inner and outer walk in life, to get back to God.  We start off centered on God and then our path veers and we often end up lost.

 Are you reaching for God?  Or are you further away than ever before?

How Do You Live on Fire?

I want to know…How are you living on fire right now with your one life?

ONE WORD

I’ve reached my fourth decade on the Universe this year.  I believe this is a significant turning point, a place where each one of us turns a new corner, beginning a new era of existence.  And at this time, some poignant questions tend to rise to the surface.  I know there is a piece of me a bit disappointed in myself, my lack of fame and fortune.  This is probably the little girl who dreamed of being a Champion at something by this time. 

 So, I followed my own coaching advice and pulled out my journal and favorite pen.  I wrote down the same profound questions I place before clients who are a bit disappointed with where they’ve currently ended up in life.  The first query is usually the most challenging and rewarding.  Maybe part of this challenge is getting your mind open and your pen moving. 

If you could take away one year from your life, or even just one event that negatively impacted you, what would it be? 

As I started to ponder this with each challenging year and/or event, there were too many significant positive outcomes, major rewards and pay-offs in personal growth and spiritual development that grew from the painful experience.  Or even from the experience I’m not too proud of and wish I would’ve handled a bit differently.  To take away any one event would be to alter the course of the life I’ve grown into.  I couldn’t unravel how any one change could possibly lead to a series of events that would be better than who I’ve become and what I have in my life right now.  This leads us right into the next question, when reflecting on one’s life purpose. 

Can you find significance in your trials? 

I believe this is the key to hope and overcoming any obstacle.  In his book, “Man’s Search for Meaning”, Viktor Frankl talks about the survivors of Auschwitz, himself included, the most horrific of all Concentration Camps during World War II.  He was a young doctor, specializing in psychology from Vienna when he was thrust in the environment of the Nazi Death Camps.  He lost his mother, father and wife to the camps.  Yet, he carried with him two things, his manuscript (until it was later discovered and destroyed) and the hope that he would be reunited with his family.  The hope of completing his life-long dream and seeing his family kept him going through the atrocities of Auschwitz.  While in the camp, he contracted Typhoid fever and to keep awake, he reconstructed his manuscript on stolen pieces of paper.  As he observed slight men survive and stronger men perish in the concentration camps, he noted the one common denominator of those who survived.  Hope.  Those who believed they had family waiting for them or something more to live for tended to overcome.  While those, though stronger and healthier in size and stature, who knew their loved ones had perished, soon gave up the fight.   All of us have trials to endure, obstacles and mountains in our paths.  The question is, can you find significance in your trials and can you keep hope that there is something better on the other side?  Keeping your faith not only allows you to endure the hard stuff life throws your way, but, it also helps you survive without bitterness.  There isn’t always deep meaning in life experiences, but, you can find the lesson FOR YOU.  What I mean by this is that in the anguish of life’s darkest moments, we often learn more about ourselves.  Sometimes this is our will to survive because of our dedication to our children or a deep desire of accomplishment.  Sometimes we find our true character, maybe we did, after all, contain “grace under fire”.  Or we may discover our true value system and uncover the base of integrity and our belief system. 

Did you look for the lesson?  If so, what did you discover about yourself? 

The thing is your obstacles and challenges can work FOR you.  We’ve all heard, reluctantly, how the tough things in life can make you stronger.  But, if I had you take a moment and make a list of the moments and events in your life that truly defined and shaped your character, I bet at least half of them would be the challenges.   Make meaning of your life experiences without regret, but, instead with reflection. 

How did your obstacles work FOR you? 

And finally, after finishing “The Call” by Oriah Mountain Dreamer, I began to ask clients her question. 

What is the one word in which you are here for? 

In her book, she elaborates on discovering the ONE WORD in which to live.  Instead of trying to see your word, open up to the possibility of all the places in your life your one word has been calling to you.  Look at your failures, not just your strengths, to discover your word.  Fill in the following sentences with your one word (mine is in parenthesis);   

How can I ___________ (rest)?  What must be surrendered for me to ___________ (rest)? 

“Living your word does not cause suffering, not living your word does.”  Oriah Mountain Dreamer.By uncovering your one word, your list of experiences and events will now look like a series of stepping stones on your life path, leading you to the exact place you need to be; right here, right now.         

Rebecca Evans is an author, Transformational Speaker and Certified Empowerment Coach.  Her books, The Art of Self Discovery and Inner Fitness for Empowerment are available at www.amazon.com and www.barnesandnobles.com.  To contact Rebecca for an event or order products, go to www.inner-element.com.   -End-

Inner Sanctuary

Stress is listed as the leading cause of many health problems.  It can weaken your immune system, leaving you susceptible to illness.  It can also impact your nervous system, contributing to headaches, chronic fatigue and migraines.  The problem with stress is that it eventually affects each of us at some time in our lives.  We know we cannot avoid stress, therefore we must learn to manage stress.We have all heard the typical advice from our doctors when we complete our physical and tell them how tired and overwhelmed we feel:

1.        Get some rest.

2.        Eat healthy

3.        Exercise

4.        Do some Yoga

5.        Learn to relax

Great advice, but challenging to accomplish in an already over-loaded schedule.

I even recall a family member who suffered with severely high blood pressure after delivery of her son, sharing with me her methods to teach herself patience, an attempt to lower the stress in her life and ultimately, lower her blood pressure.  She was a type AAA personality and her life was full of structure and routine.  She forced herself into “Scenarios Needing Patience” on purpose.  She chose the longest line at the check out and tried to hum while noticing items in other’s baskets.  She took the long way home and stopped at the yellow lights.   She made bank deposits at lunch time and avoided Fast Food.  It looked as though life took her longer to get through, but honestly, at the end of each week, she still accomplished close to the same amount of tasks as she did with her previous rushed method.  And, to me, her training program worked.  She is the most patient person one could ever hope to encounter.I honestly tried her training program and it almost killed me.  I’m not the most patient person one would encounter and I’m fine with that.  I did, in the process of learning to manage stress in my life, uncover a new solution for me that I would like to share.

Inner Sanctuary.

I needed a plan that stayed with me; provide learning opportunities without driving or a bank teller.  And the only plan that kept rising to the surface was one that included ONLY me in it.

I will be with myself for the rest of my life. 

Why not create a place inside of me that is my safe haven?  Before I could create a harmonious environment inside of me, I needed to make some changes in my life about my perspective of self.  Here is the five-step process I used to create an Inner Sanctuary, a haven to nurture my life in:

1.  Accept Myself.  My sanctuary needs to be a place of self-love.  Criticism is no longer acceptable behavior in my mind.  Negative remarks about myself will get me placed in a time out.

2.  Quiet Time.  I need to carve time out of my schedule to spend with ME.  I need time to get to know myself and explore my thoughts.  I use this time to meditate, read scripture or journal.  One thing is certain; you cannot create a sanctuary in a strange and unfamiliar place.

3.  Triggers.  A trigger is a reminder to oneself.  My trigger is a ring I wear that has the birthstones of my three children.  When I start to feel stressed or overwhelmed, I look at my ring and reminds me to slow down and go within. 

4.  Use Your Sanctuary.  So how do you use your sanctuary once you arrive?  The choice is yours, after all, this is your place, decorate it as you will.  Once I slow down and focus on me I make a short check list to help me evaluate that which is overwhelming me.

·         What am I feeling?

·         Am I physically responding?  (rapid heart beat, shortness of breath, heated face)

·         Why am I responding this way?

·         What can I do about it?Once I evaluate the situation, I can explore in my own way, the answers I need to resolve and untangle the strain of the moment.  Now in a fight or flight situation, I ask that you rely on your instincts, don’t slow down. But your Inner Sanctuary asks for you to rely on your instincts too.  To listen to your heart.  I often use my sanctuary during Yoga or a run as well.  The beautiful thing about your own sanctuary?  It is always with you and it is rent free!   

Rebecca Evans is an Author, Certified Empowerment Coach and Motivational Speaker.  You can order her workbooks and journals at www.amazon.com or in local bookstores.  To contact her:   www.inner-element.com.