Monthly Archives: February 2012

Clarity

In the crevices of the chaos there seems only a hazy horizon.  I blink and a removal begins. 

Where life felt complicated, it becomes simple.

 Where focus was a challenge, clarity steps forth as though a layer of mucous covering my brain has finally dripped away.

I’m no longer congested.

For so very long, I simply could not wake up.  Could not get up.  Now I am slowly rising, my footing not quite steady, but walking nevertheless.

I am asking mostly for doors to shut, for the options to narrow.  I yearn for limits.

I am begging for strength to do only the things that matter the most.

These are but a few—love my children, love myself, heal, honor G-d, write.

I blink again and tears roll in a heated stream down my cheek, hanging to my jaw for a moment until I can see the heavens. 

The sky opens into chunky spaces of blue. 

The space between the tip of my pen and the page is like the gap in the sky. 

Anything can happen. 

The clouds can form into the shape of a dragon or a princess, pending on the angle.

 My writing can bring to the surface the darkest places in my own psyche or the hopes of my soul, pending on my courage. 

It only matters that there is now room to write—a safe place to freely express. 

This is the process in memoir, the process of a life—to capture the angle at the moment of truth and scratch it across a line as quickly as possible before reason sets in and the editing mind ceases the flow.

Through the narrow place between the lines and the limitation of time, the defining moments of a life that mattered appears. 

This is my life.

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Dear Self

Dear Self,

Beautiful.

A Chosen One.

Remember who you are.

That is the trick, unraveling the illusion that you are “less than” anything or anyone.

You have sat with it all – these last two years of your journey.  A pilgrim.  It takes courage to feel your life, to choose to be awake and drive blurry-eyed with tears.  To steep in it all and cry out.

It requires great bravery to share the ugly side of your story, to claw at the thought that the Listener exiting your life would be a good thing.  And telling yourself that living out loud will certainly scare away a few who aren’t ready for a heart as open as yours.  You hope to believe it, yet internally fight because you do not.

You have stepped forward.

Stood up.

Fallen down.

All in one day some of the time.

And some of those days, you stayed down.

But you did eventually rise up.

It takes strength to rise, but more strength to fall.

Give yourself credit.  This year you are walking in the fact that you would choose yourself in a time of war.  You have witnessed your character under fire and would gladly share a foxhole with your own soul.

This might not be self-love yet, but it is a step on the path of self-respect and honor.

Devorah Leah, this is a reminder.

Begin to remember all the good in you, the heart that kept your baby alive, the exhausted mother that never ceased respiratory care through the quiet hours for your toddler, the weary spirit that sought the good in the pain—that looked for the lesson as another slowly destroyed you.

Today you get to rebuild.   Build a new courage for love.  Treat yourself like your own best friend and allow the ashes to blow away from the surface of your skin.

Remember…you are designed to be loved.  Simply begin with this in mind.


On Rejected

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Why do we seek those who reject us, like the moth drawn into the deadly flame?

We feel the singe, even smell our own flesh burning, yet we reach towards the destructive fire.  It’s not that some of us will actually touch it again once burned, melted beyond recognition even to ourselves.  It’s the yearning, the desire, the ache that splinters up the wrist bones into our jaws—the fact that we want that which is toxic to come closer to us.

In my own life, I’ve experienced this more than once.  When I was a little girl, I desired the admiration and attention of my abuser.  I grew into my own skin, this method of seeking approval becoming more and more like a competition, a challenge.

“Let me see if I can get THAT one to like me.”

“Of course I can change him.”

As though I was the ALL-GREAT-AND-MIGHTY-POWERFUL Wizard of Oz.

And in a sense, I still try to be.  I am more like the Wizard than not.

I am small, hidden behind a curtain of shame and doubt and pain and brokenness.  I am slapped with rejection at every bend.

I am waiting for the call.  You know the one.  The one that makes you set your phone within arms length only to pretend you are busy with the rest of your life all the while hoping it will ring.  You want to simply be courageous, pick up and dial, but know that you cannot.

When you seek the Rejector, you find yourself standing alone in a light drizzle so cold your toes curl into your shoes until the arches of your feet cramp.  You allow the spasm to crawl back to your toes, permitting them to shoot out in deformed directions.

I know that I am supposed to be alone, at least for a time.  The funny thing is that I am never alone with three young children, all with their own special needs.

Maybe I need to sit in this space to finally connect with the only one who never rejected me – my G-d.  If I would only listen, He would say to me:

Child of Mine, you are leaping when you should be still.  You are screaming when you need silence.  You are opening wounds when you need to heal.  You are broken, but if you just let go, I will cast you into a new shape and you will heal whole again—into the way I originally designed you.

I have provided for all your needs.

You need no other.

No one can do for you that which I can.

Trust in me.

Do not be afraid to be alone for this will give you the time you need to heal, recover, rebuild…and I am with you, and so you are really not alone.

You told Me, in your heart, if you were provided for; your life would look a certain way…

You would write.

You would paint walls.

You would plant gardens.

You would embrace your children every moment.

You would not wait on another.

You would not wait for a phone call when you have indeed such a greater call.

Listen to Me, my child, so you can hear your call.

Watch what shows for you.

Watch what brings your breath back.

Notice what brings you light.

Embrace these things, these people – they are My messengers to remind you that I am here.

You are not toxic, you are in pain.

You are My child and I love you.

There is a light for you to follow, open your eyes, turn off the phone and take a deep breath.  Let Me gather you in the fold of My wings and help you re-invent your life to now serve Me and fulfill My purpose.

Do not be molded and influenced by others’ desires of you and for you.  Keep your eyes on Me.

Keep Me near.

Go inside for a time.

Stay near to your children.

Focus.

Create.

Heal.

You were almost willing to become most anything to not be rejected.

Now be willing to become what I have in mind for you and in this, you will find peace.


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